It seems that the weather has again become gloomy in Southern Cali which would probably also sorta reflect my mood at the moment. initially i woke up this morning to blood on the bed which indicated that Aunt Flo had returned...and not only that she had returned early. there was a wave of disappointment that came over me and part of me not wanting to believe that it was actually my period or that it could be some sort of "fluke". justin and i had a long term goal since the beginning of the year that we would try to conceive a second baby around October/November. Around the time that Emmitt turns 1. Well of course, plans don't always fall pefectly into place. October was really unpredictable for us as Justin was prepping to get out of the military on December first. In addition I was really unsure as events earlier in the year had me put my guards up. I really wanted to be sure that Justin wouldn't relapse from his sobriety leaving me alone and pregnant to fend for myself just as I had during my last pregnancy. We started really trying again in mid November, however that was unsuccessful due to Justin's Zoloft for his depression having weird effects on his body chemistry. So then we had to wait for him to taper off...now leaving us into December.
December seemed to be ideal as Justin had just gotten out of the military on the first and had gotten a job offer the day that he had gotten out (at this point however we are unsure if that offer is still good). We found out that TriCare health insurance will cover us until May. It just seemed about right. But as of this morning turns out we are not going to have an August 2011 after all (my original goal was a July 2011 baby) and may have to push for September. All in the Lord's hands I keep telling myself.
I guess I really want another baby this time to also selfishly relieve myself that I can conceive another child and that Emmitt will also be able to grow up with a playmate/sibling/best friend. I have always wanted to have a big family, mainly because growing up mine was so small. even lonely at times (but that's just unfinished business with my parents hardly being around). During the time of Emmitt's labor I unexpectedly had to lose my left ovary due to the growth of a dermoid cyst. I don't think I ever really had the chance to "grieve" over that loss and keep trying to remind myself that "the doctor and nurses said repeatedly it wouldn't affect my fertility". I just still haven't gotten used to the idea that I am now a woman bearing only one ovary. It's still weird to me.
Again I really have to mentally, spiritually, and faithfully ingrain it that it's beyond me and really up to fate and the Lord. He will let me know when I'm really ready and when it is the time to conceive another.