Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Our Journey into TTC

It seems that the weather has again become gloomy in Southern Cali which would probably also sorta reflect my mood at the moment.  initially i woke up this morning to blood on the bed which indicated that Aunt Flo had returned...and not only that she had returned early.  there was a wave of disappointment that came over me and part of me not wanting to believe that it was actually my period or that it could be some sort of "fluke".  justin and i had a long term goal since the beginning of the year that we would try to conceive a second baby around October/November.  Around the time that Emmitt turns 1.  Well of course, plans don't always fall pefectly into place.  October was really unpredictable for us as Justin was prepping to get out of the military on December first.  In addition I was really unsure as events earlier in the year had me put my guards up.  I really wanted to be sure that Justin wouldn't relapse from his sobriety leaving me alone and pregnant to fend for myself just as I had during my last pregnancy.  We started really trying again in mid November, however that was unsuccessful due to Justin's Zoloft for his depression having weird effects on his body chemistry.  So then we had to wait for him to taper leaving us into December.

December seemed to be ideal as Justin had just gotten out of the military on the first and had gotten a job offer the day that he had gotten out (at this point however we are unsure if that offer is still good).  We found out that TriCare health insurance will cover us until May.  It just seemed about right.  But as of this morning turns out we are not going to have an August 2011 after all (my original goal was a July 2011 baby) and may have to push for September.  All in the Lord's hands I keep telling myself.

I guess I really want another baby this time to also selfishly relieve myself that I can conceive another child and that Emmitt will also be able to grow up with a playmate/sibling/best friend.  I have always wanted to have a big family, mainly because growing up mine was so small.  even lonely at times (but that's just unfinished business with my parents hardly being around).  During the time of Emmitt's labor I unexpectedly had to lose my left ovary due to the growth of a dermoid cyst.  I don't think I ever really had the chance to "grieve" over that loss and keep trying to remind myself that "the doctor and nurses said repeatedly it wouldn't affect my fertility".  I just still haven't gotten used to the idea that I am now a woman bearing only one ovary.  It's still weird to me.

Again I really have to mentally, spiritually, and faithfully ingrain it that it's beyond me and really up to fate and the Lord.  He will let me know when I'm really ready and when it is the time to conceive another.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

New Year

As 2010 is coming to a close, I realize that I am coming closer to a lot of long term goals that I had set for myself at the beginning of this year and even beforehand.  Just to name a few that I will look forward to working on in 2011:

- Complete my 3,000 MFT hours and finally take the California licensing exam
- PASS the licensing exam so that I can finally obtain my license as an LMFT
- Obtain success and pursue our side online business
- which leads to being more stable and healthy financially
- Continue to build and become closer in my faith and in God
- Hopefully have another baby! :)

Some of it seems like it may be far fetched, but I know all of them are obtainable.  Just matters on how determined I am.  So I will definitely go back to this list in the future and see which ones I will be able to cross out.

As Pastor Brian said in his last sermon, as the New Year comes we should "Look Up (towards Jesus) , Look In (to see ourselves), and Look Outwards (to making a better present and tomorrow...)

Friday, December 17, 2010


So i've been battling this cold/flu for about a week, which been putting a hamper to my turbo kick/p90x workout schedule.  in addition, i've felt so bad since last weekend that i ended up having to miss a week's worth of work.  i feel horrible because the students will be out for Christmas break next week and I'm hoping that they will not feel as if I've neglected them for not having come checked on them and their families.

In addition, due to having been on my back due to this virus, I've also been feeling like a neglectful mother to my baby boy.  It's more that I don't want to get him as sick as I've been, so luckily my hubby has been so patient and helpful in taking care of the BOTH of us this week.  to make things more complicated, our little guy has been having a runny nose since last weekend as well.

On more exciting news, I've been continuing w/ my daily doses of Shakeology which is still surprisingly delicious to me.  I just keep hearing wonderful things about this meal replacement, that I HAD to try it.  even better, Justin's willing to try it w/ me :)  So far I can't really tell if there are any changes w/in because I've been feeling like crap all week.  Justin on the other hand says he's been feeling great and more energetic.  I've been so proud of him lately, b/c he's been really pushing it w/ p90x despite me being out for commission.  This morning we were even talking about attending the event in Santa Monica in which we would get to work out w/ Tony Horton...THE p90x coach himself!

Well...back to laying on the couch for me.  I cannot stand to be sick for this coming weekend...I want out already!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

...another beginning

so here i am back in the blogging world, which has always been of great comfort to me back in my college and grad school days.  i honestly, don't know how well i will keep up with this blog, but i figure that it will be a nice place to come to when there are times that i just need a "safe place" to turn to.

as the year is coming to a close i know that i have much to be thankful for.  that includes my health, my family, and especially my husband and 13 month old son.  many changes have come, which includes my husband's recovery from his alcoholism, his transition from the military world to a civilian,  my son's transition into toddlerhood,our journey as Christians and rebuilding our relationship with God, and the many ventures that we are setting out to do.

all in all i'd have to say that 2010 has been a wonderful year.  i can only look to the future for an even better tomorrow.