Monday, January 10, 2011


"If you really want to do something, you'll find a way.  If you don't, you'll find an excuse."~Jim Rohn

So my last post was pretty much about my hubby Justin.  I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from him since he came out of rehab but it certainly gets scary sometimes.  6 months ago I was on the verge of making the major decision of being "in or out" of this marriage.  While he was in rehab I faced the reality of what it would be like to be a single mom, however I felt it was worth it for the safety of myself and especially my son.

Well I do admit Justin is a changed person since coming out of rehab.  He has not touched one drink in 6 months (although sometimes I do get paranoid).  However I still can't hold back my disappointment.  I certainly am rejoicing that he is over w/ drinking (hopefully forever), however there is also that nagging feeling that he could relapse at anytime.  In addition he has only attended one AA meeting since he has been home.  Basically he went back on his promise of his aftercare plan to me.  I don't know if he had set his goals too high, however he had me convinced shortly before he had come out that he wanted to make things work and that he had gone to rehab mainly for me.  He had stated that he had aimed to attend AA 4x a week because he had enjoyed his experience in rehab and that he had wanted to start going to church and turning to Christianity.

Well, of course once he came home AA only once and after that he said he didn't have the time.  He took us to church and prayed with the pastor.  the Christian church touched me so much, that I decided to become a part of the fellowship due to their support and welcoming us w/ open arms.  he knew how much I had been thankful for making it through this far w/ our marriage and I really felt i had so much to be thankful for.  and he promised that he had written in his after care plan that he would attend Emmitt's Tiny Tykes classes every Saturday morning w/ us in order to help spend more time w/ Emmitt.

Now that he's been home and sober awhile I just feel he's becoming all too comfortable and getting himself into a rut and funk.  He got out of the military December 1st and has been staying home for a month.  The house has been messy and I blame the mess more on him b/c he does not pick up after himself.  In addition, once every Sunday comes around, he always thinks of a lame excuse to tell me on why we should miss church.  Now that really angers me.  Especially since he knows how my faith means to me nowadays.  It really angered me when we had made plans to go to Christmas 11 pm service.  We had gone to his brother's house on Christmas eve and had planned to leave by 10 pm so we could make it to the service.  However, Justin's brother then kept telling me that he did not want us to leave and that we did not have to go to church.  He said Justin had made him ask me.  On our way to church, I asked Justin about his brother's behavior, in which Justin said he had made his brother ask me b/c he had wanted to stay at his brother's house however knew I wanted to go to church.  I was really infuriated at this point, b/c I felt that he made me feel like an a'hole in front of his family for wanting to leave early.  Then Justin quickly changes his story and states he was "just kidding around" (an old excuse I despise b/c he would say that for his unspeakable actions when he was drunk).  Just recently we also found out that our church has a recovery men's group.  and of course he doesn't want to go. 

And as for Emmitt's Tiny Tykes classes....he had us cancel it due to finances.  however he stopped going and always had an excuse for why we shouldn't go.  Emmitt loved those classes and honestly, my bonding time w/ Emmitt there partly kept me sane while I had to deal w/ Justin in rehab.

And what really gets to me...when it comes to his own ADDICTIONS...oh nothing gets in the way of that.  yes the alcohol is gone (i hope), but now he's a chain smoker that constantly reeks and is addicted to Monster energy drinks and caffeine.  I don't understand why he has to have addictions or why he decides to go down the road of self destruction.  it's just starting to really annoy me.

don't get me wrong...our marriage is 100x better than it was before.  hardly anymore yelling.  no more 911 phone calls.  i can actually see things working out between us.  however it's going to be a tough journey.  just random ramblings b/c this is basically where i can do it.  despite being a therapist as my own profession I had a HORRIBLE experience with my last therapist where i think i'm still a bit traumatized.  i also know i still have to look at myself to check and make sure my expectations are realistic and i'm not just that "nagging wife."

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