Disappointments

"If you really want to do something, you'll find a way.  If you don't, you'll find an excuse."~Jim Rohn

So my last post was pretty much about my hubby Justin.  I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from him since he came out of rehab but it certainly gets scary sometimes.  6 months ago I was on the verge of making the major decision of being "in or out" of this marriage.  While he was in rehab I faced the reality of what it would be like to be a single mom, however I felt it was worth it for the safety of myself and especially my son.

Well I do admit Justin is a changed person since coming out of rehab.  He has not touched one drink in 6 months (although sometimes I do get paranoid).  However I still can't hold back my disappointment.  I certainly am rejoicing that he is over w/ drinking (hopefully forever), however there is also that nagging feeling that he could relapse at anytime.  In addition he has only attended one AA meeting since he has been home.  Basically he went back on his promise of his aftercare plan to me.  I don't know if he had set his goals too high, however he had me convinced shortly before he had come out that he wanted to make things work and that he had gone to rehab mainly for me.  He had stated that he had aimed to attend AA 4x a week because he had enjoyed his experience in rehab and that he had wanted to start going to church and turning to Christianity.

Well, of course once he came home AA only once and after that he said he didn't have the time.  He took us to church and prayed with the pastor.  the Christian church touched me so much, that I decided to become a part of the fellowship due to their support and welcoming us w/ open arms.  he knew how much I had been thankful for making it through this far w/ our marriage and I really felt i had so much to be thankful for.  and he promised that he had written in his after care plan that he would attend Emmitt's Tiny Tykes classes every Saturday morning w/ us in order to help spend more time w/ Emmitt.

Now that he's been home and sober awhile I just feel he's becoming all too comfortable and getting himself into a rut and funk.  He got out of the military December 1st and has been staying home for a month.  The house has been messy and I blame the mess more on him b/c he does not pick up after himself.  In addition, once every Sunday comes around, he always thinks of a lame excuse to tell me on why we should miss church.  Now that really angers me.  Especially since he knows how my faith means to me nowadays.  It really angered me when we had made plans to go to Christmas 11 pm service.  We had gone to his brother's house on Christmas eve and had planned to leave by 10 pm so we could make it to the service.  However, Justin's brother then kept telling me that he did not want us to leave and that we did not have to go to church.  He said Justin had made him ask me.  On our way to church, I asked Justin about his brother's behavior, in which Justin said he had made his brother ask me b/c he had wanted to stay at his brother's house however knew I wanted to go to church.  I was really infuriated at this point, b/c I felt that he made me feel like an a'hole in front of his family for wanting to leave early.  Then Justin quickly changes his story and states he was "just kidding around" (an old excuse I despise b/c he would say that for his unspeakable actions when he was drunk).  Just recently we also found out that our church has a recovery men's group.  and of course he doesn't want to go. 

And as for Emmitt's Tiny Tykes classes....he had us cancel it due to finances.  however he stopped going and always had an excuse for why we shouldn't go.  Emmitt loved those classes and honestly, my bonding time w/ Emmitt there partly kept me sane while I had to deal w/ Justin in rehab.

And what really gets to me...when it comes to his own ADDICTIONS...oh nothing gets in the way of that.  yes the alcohol is gone (i hope), but now he's a chain smoker that constantly reeks and is addicted to Monster energy drinks and caffeine.  I don't understand why he has to have addictions or why he decides to go down the road of self destruction.  it's just starting to really annoy me.

don't get me wrong...our marriage is 100x better than it was before.  hardly anymore yelling.  no more 911 phone calls.  i can actually see things working out between us.  however it's going to be a tough journey.  just random ramblings b/c this is basically where i can do it.  despite being a therapist as my own profession I had a HORRIBLE experience with my last therapist where i think i'm still a bit traumatized.  i also know i still have to look at myself to check and make sure my expectations are realistic and i'm not just that "nagging wife."

Excuses....

I'm so f'ing tired of the excuses.....don't friggin' commit yourself and do crap if you can't stick to it!  this has more to do w/ a personal pattern i've just been recognizing...someone just had to put me in a bad mood

yeah i'm pretty angry and upset rite now....

My Ambition (on the side)

after 3 weeks of being sick with a sinus infection and then taking a week vacation...i'm finally back at work.  although i was dreading it towards the end of the holidays, i'm actually feeling back to "normal" after being in the office for two days.  sometimes i wonder if i can be a stay at home mom, although one day it's something i would ultimately love to do since my son is still so young and i still have hopes of having more little ones to keep him company.

towards the beginning of december, i decided to take the first step in pursuing my ambition of hoping to at least work part time outside of the home in the near future.  not really a big deal, but i joined a side business through the recommendation of a graduate school friend who is now a beachbody coach.  i had been eyeing her posts on facebook as i had been familiar with team beachbody.  i had originally started taking their turbo kickboxing classes back when i was in graduate school to lose the weight that i had accumulated from partying my a** off.  i loved tkb b/c it was high energy and the weight seemed to melt off.

well now after having a child...the baby weight is still here over a year later.  unfortunately i don't have the time or the motivation to make it to the gym anymore.  so i figured "home workouts".  and now here i am doing TurboFire.  I figure I can keep it up if i "just keep pushing play" as they always say in the dvds.

So far so good, i'm in my second week of TurboFire and my hubby says he can already see a difference in my belly.  I still don't notice it although I've been feeling great and not only that very sore.  But we'll see.  I'll post some "before and after" pics after 30 days.  and then comes the home business.  repping for the beachbody products.  i admit i'm not a great salesperson nor do i have even the slightest desire to sell.  honestly sales people really annoy me.  and it honestly kinda irks me when i see other beachbody coaches posting over and over the wonders of beachbody products and what not.  i dunno...just turns me off.

however i'm pretty determined to stick to this side business.  more so because i feel as long as i'm a coach i can stick to being motivated to getting myself back into shape.  i also figure the more my paychecks climb in the long run the better it'll be for my family and my time with my baby(ies).  we'll see in due time i guess.  i've always wanted to get into a side business anyhow.  and what's more perfect than being a coach, since i had always had the inner desire to be a fitness instructor however am horrible at public speaking :PPP  all in due time i suppose.  just waiting for things to unravel.  for the time being i plan to stick to my workouts and keep staying motivated and focused.

Looking back

@ 2010.  I got this great topic from Just_Joanna on Blog Frog.  I decided that I would also take this topic and reflect on what kind of year 2010 had been for me.

Can you name 10 things that left an impression on you in 2010?  Not in any particular order....

1.  Spent my first year as a mommy keeping up w/ my son's development and growth.

2.  Celebrated my Emmitt's 1st birthday, which made me very emotional.

3  A very rocky year with my husband's alcoholism.  His rage and coming to terms if I could stay vs. leave this marriage for the sake of my sanity and my child.

4.  Justin going to jail and then coming to terms w/ himself and putting himself in 30 day inpatient alochol rehab.

5.  My time away from Justin during this time, and realizing if I could be a parent on my own or not.

6.  My turn to Christianity and realizing how much God has been there carrying me through this struggle and bringing me back to him.

7.  Calvary Chapel, Pastor Brian, the Christian fellowship...I am so thankful to them for making such an impact on me and my faith.  And praying for Justin's continued sobriety.

8.  I had the most horrible and evil supervisor at work this year.  Made me question karma, fate, and the superiors above me for not protecting the rights of the employees.

9. My return to fitness and health.  TurboFire and taking the next step and beginning a side business w/ Team Beachbody.  Loving the people on the team and their motivation, positivity, and daily inspiration!

10.  Justin and I began trying to conceive baby #2 as of November.

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123...anyone familiar w/ posting posts onto blogfrog?  any help would be so appreciated :)

It's a New Year

Ringing in 2011....

Happy New Year!!!!  From the Zamoras :)

Our Journey into TTC

It seems that the weather has again become gloomy in Southern Cali which would probably also sorta reflect my mood at the moment.  initially i woke up this morning to blood on the bed which indicated that Aunt Flo had returned...and not only that she had returned early.  there was a wave of disappointment that came over me and part of me not wanting to believe that it was actually my period or that it could be some sort of "fluke".  justin and i had a long term goal since the beginning of the year that we would try to conceive a second baby around October/November.  Around the time that Emmitt turns 1.  Well of course, plans don't always fall pefectly into place.  October was really unpredictable for us as Justin was prepping to get out of the military on December first.  In addition I was really unsure as events earlier in the year had me put my guards up.  I really wanted to be sure that Justin wouldn't relapse from his sobriety leaving me alone and pregnant to fend for myself just as I had during my last pregnancy.  We started really trying again in mid November, however that was unsuccessful due to Justin's Zoloft for his depression having weird effects on his body chemistry.  So then we had to wait for him to taper off...now leaving us into December.

December seemed to be ideal as Justin had just gotten out of the military on the first and had gotten a job offer the day that he had gotten out (at this point however we are unsure if that offer is still good).  We found out that TriCare health insurance will cover us until May.  It just seemed about right.  But as of this morning turns out we are not going to have an August 2011 after all (my original goal was a July 2011 baby) and may have to push for September.  All in the Lord's hands I keep telling myself.

I guess I really want another baby this time to also selfishly relieve myself that I can conceive another child and that Emmitt will also be able to grow up with a playmate/sibling/best friend.  I have always wanted to have a big family, mainly because growing up mine was so small.  even lonely at times (but that's just unfinished business with my parents hardly being around).  During the time of Emmitt's labor I unexpectedly had to lose my left ovary due to the growth of a dermoid cyst.  I don't think I ever really had the chance to "grieve" over that loss and keep trying to remind myself that "the doctor and nurses said repeatedly it wouldn't affect my fertility".  I just still haven't gotten used to the idea that I am now a woman bearing only one ovary.  It's still weird to me.

Again I really have to mentally, spiritually, and faithfully ingrain it that it's beyond me and really up to fate and the Lord.  He will let me know when I'm really ready and when it is the time to conceive another.